Tales of the Shire’s system requirements have me considering grafting a graphics card to a Hobbit’s bum
Tales Of The Shire: A The Lord Of The Rings Game is finally coming out this month, offering terrifyingly cosy Hobbitiness to us bumbling Bilbos. Its system requirements have just dropped, and they’re pretty reasonable.
In fact, its needs are so modest and homely that I’m wondering whether you might be able to run it on a Hobbit, provided you could find one in real life and staple some Nvidia – or AMD- branded plastic into the surface of its flesh. It’s ok, I’m sure Gandalf has a magic stapler that doesn’t produce excruciating pain if you fire it directly into a person.
So, donning our spec-inspecting specs, let’s take a look at the game’s Steam page. Tales of the Shire’s minimum system requirements, which promise 30fps on very low settings, comprise the following: an Intel Core i5-7600K or AMD Ryzen 3 1200 processor, 16GB of RAM, 3GB of storage space on a hard drive or SSD running at least Windows 10, and your choice of an Nvidia GeForce GTX 770, an AMD Radeon R9 270X, or an Intel Arc A580.
Those Nvidia and AMD GPUs are both from 2013, so while you’ll need a decent CPU, there’s some nice older rig potential for those who aren’t down to splash the cash on an RTX 5090 just to play a Hobbity life sim.
Meanwhile, the recomended specs – which should net you 60fps on high settings – list Intel Core i5-10600 or AMD Ryzen 5 8400F processors, 16GB of RAM, 3GB of drive space, Windows 11, and either an Nvidia GeForce RTX 3060 Ti or an AMD Radeon RX 6750 XT.
Nice, but can it run on a Hobbit? Hear me out. You install the game in his head through hypnotic suggestion, his mouth makes all the noises, and the visuals are projected onto his eyes through forbidden rendering magic, turning them into dual monitors. There’s a graphics card from just over a decade ago grafted onto his buttocks, and a DisplayPort cable runs from it up into his ear. He averages a solid 20fps because he occasionally has to blink, and you use his nipples like the analogue sticks of a controller and bop his nose every time you need to press Enter.
In the distance, Sauron sees what you’re up to, and is so horrified he considers giving the Middle-earth cops a spare ring and your address.
