I’m a man and I don’t let myself climax — it makes sex better

Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.

This week we hear from Jonah* a 31-year-old bicurious policy researcher in London, who has sex with his girlfriend about five times a week.

The couple have been in a relationship for about four months, and are already living together.

They’re keen to keep exploring sexually, and there’s one thing Jonah has been focusing on in particular: semen retention.

This is the practice of avoiding ejaculation for periods of time — even during sex. While there is no scientific evidence to suggest it’s beneficial, proponents of it recall improved physical, mental and spiritual health.

‘I try to practice semen retention because I feel more energised and centred when I’m not ejaculating all the time,’ he says. ‘I started it about three years ago, but I’ve only recently been able to have sex without coming, and I really enjoy it.

‘When done correctly, I can basically last forever, but I’m not quite at the level where I can completely let loose and still hold it, which is frustrating.’

So without further ado, here’s how Jonah got on this week…

The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.

Monday

I just got back from a fortnight in Peru, after heading there for a work conference. My beautiful girlfriend, Anastasia*, just moved here from Toronto, where we met at a party a few months ago.

After a day working from home I go to the gym to work out. I pump some weights, swim a few lengths and hit the steam room. When I get home, Anastasia, with her mysterious dark features and innocent-looking round face, seems quite restless. She’s extremely horny.

We get down to it fairly swiftly, but she gets annoyed at me for going too fast. I’ll admit, I wasn’t super connected to her emotionally and spiritually, and she could perceive that. 

We lay down next to each other and talk it out — pillow talk style. This then morphs into a sort of sensual, slow sex. The whole thing makes me think of the Marvin Gaye tune, Sexual Healing. I focus on my breathing, and she fondles my nipples.

I still easily manage to avoid ejaculation, which I am learning to prefer. I first learnt about semen retention when I was travelling in South America, and I got chatting to some guys out there that practiced it. They told me how it allowed them to have sex for long periods without ejaculating.

I’m still a novice, but through careful breathing, I can have sex without finishing. It allows for longer periods of pleasure for both me and my partner. That being said, it’s not easy, and sometimes I just want to explode.

I always tell new partners about it, and they’re generally very supportive. I think it’s sexier than coming after a few minutes of just going at it like rabbits.

Tuesday

Semen retention means I’m always at a baseline level of horniness, so it can be nice to unload it all and start again.

When we start having missionary sex this morning, before moving to cowgirl, Anastasia notices she’s bleeding. Assuming her period has come we agree that now is time for me to finish inside her — something I’ve never done before. We know there’s a chance she could get pregnant, but decide the risk is much lower.

I start going faster, but when I’m on the verge of finishing she pushes me away gently, wanting a bit more build up beforehand. The result is that I finish, but don’t experience much of an orgasm. So we continue and it’s and I finish — again.

But then disaster strikes. She checks her Natural Cycles period tracking app, which is linked to her Oura ring, and realise we’ve made a mistake. The blood must have been from a scratch or slight tear, not her period, and we make a note to get a pregnancy test in a few days.

Wednesday

If every day starts with slow sex like this, I’m a very lucky man.

When I get to the point where I might pre-come I put on a condom. Anastasia comes enthusiastically a couple of times. This is the first time she’s finished in a while as she rides me on top, while I stimulate her clitoris. Then she goes down on me, edging me, but without bringing me to the point of climax.

Afterwards, we do some breathing exercises together to help me move the energy up my spine and out of my pelvic region, so that I don’t get the feeling of blue balls. I do some jumping jacks and then we do some yoga together. 

We agree that for the next two days we’ll do a one in, one out, WFH system. So I head to a local cafe and set up for the day, sending emails and making calls, planning my next big project.

I’ve also got my men’s group tonight — where a bunch of guys meet up for what is basically a big group therapy session and connection exercise. It’s wild to think that many men, including me sometimes, go days, weeks or even months without a genuinely deep conversation with another guy.

There’s a sauna and cold plunge too, and I catch up with an old friend who I haven’t seen in a while, before heading home. Anastasia and I play guitar and sing a little bit together, then go to bed.

Thursday

We meditate a bit together before starting our days. Anastasia heads to her favourite cafe, so I have the run of the house. I put on my favourite deep house playlist loudly and make an obscenely fat-heavy and truly delectable breakfast involving a bunch of eggs, steak and Boursin.

I settle down for some writing and the day passes in a productive, caffeine-pumped haze. I go and do the grocery shopping and arrive home around the time Anastasia is getting back.

Did I mention that I’m falling in love with her? I share this with her for the first time, saying how she makes me feel at one with myself, that the feeling of her soft skin on mine gives me shivers, and that I love how her femininity brings out my masculine aspects.

She really wants me to ‘be the man’, and I’m very happy to oblige. 

After a quick gym sesh, I’m back home and we’re getting freaky together. She never reciprocated the beginnings of my love confession earlier, but she suddenly suggests we do anal, which I must confess I’ve been angling for for a while.

We lube up with coconut oil and I slowly penetrate her. It’s heaven, even if I don’t allow myself to come.

Friday

I have a bunch of work calls today. Anastasia has a sort of coquettish anal afterglow. She really loves being dominated, I’m realising more and more.

She recently began to call me Daddy during the throes of passion, which turns me on a lot. She’s a gorgeous girl and always gets plenty of attention.

The idea that other guys might check her out or come up to her, while she’s horny for me, is certainly very alluring, and a useful antidote for any potential feelings of insecurity. 

We’re going raving tonight. We take a taxi to the club and get in quickly. It’s pretty dead so we hang out on a sofa and she confesses her love to me. It feels so aligned and I’m so grateful for the happiness we feel.

Saturday

There’s no time to slob around this morning because tonight we’re going to a sex party together for the first time.

We’re completely monogamous, so there won’t be any possibility, nor desire, for either of us to canoodle with anyone else, but we like the idea of being in an erotic space where people are free to fully express themselves.

I don’t have any Daddy Dom clothes with me though (we’ve decided that will be my role tonight), with her as my kitten sub, so we head to a local kink store and buy some ropes, a horsewhip, and a choker.

At a vintage store, I also get some slightly overpriced but incredibly cool thick leather trousers. Anastasia gets some tiny tartan shorts for cheap which give a hint of her butt cheeks, though she’s not intending to wear them tonight. 

We head home and get ready. Damn, I look like a force of nature. And so does she – so sexy in black lingerie that she mostly conceals with some over layers.

We take some cute photos in the mirror and head to the party. The buffet is disappointing considering the ticket price, but there’s a fun squirting workshop in which the facilitator, if you can call him that, demonstrates how to make a girl squirt in about 20 seconds.

The DJ in the other room is OK but the vibe here is pretty dead. Mostly people skulking around seeing who wants to have sex. What did we expect, I guess.

By midnight, there’s people shagging everywhere, but it feels very sordid and not the more elevated vibe I had been hoping for.

We go to the toilet and get it on there. I whip her for the first time and she loves it. I come in a condom, which is quite nice, especially from my standing position, and around 3am we go home. 

Sunday

I have football at 9am this morning with some guys from my church. On about four hours sleep I make it there and actually play quite well.

Obviously I refrain from sharing about our sexploits last night. But I feel there’s no disconnect from a belief of God, and a healthy sex life – I’m just not going to shout about it from the rooftops. 

I grab some chicken on the way back and we settle in for a few hours before going to a Sunday afternoon church service.

I don’t feel we have anything to repent for, though others may disagree. Mercifully, Anastasia feels her period is coming on soon too. Phew.

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